Idiosyncrasies

… and then out of the blue,

… he’s there

… and to think that was a long time ago.

… i’m so happy i feel like bouncing off the walls

… missing badminton practice tonight

… twas a blessing in disguise

… there’s always a little bit of magic on rainy nights

… please please please let me keep feeling this high

——————————

… I just found out this morning.

… oh boy, i spoke too soon

… isn’t it amazing how things can change, just like that?

… when it rains, it pours

… looks like this won’t be my year after all… no, let’s think positive.

… i hope things get better soon. things will… right?

… this isn’t the kind of frustration that makes me run 10k in an hour

… it’s quite the opposite

… it’s the kind of disappointment that makes me feel too weak to lift, even when I’ve already lightened the load. The kind that makes your arms feel like lead, and your knees feel like putty.

… too dazed to enjoy my favorite dance class - which usually perks me up better than anything else, but this morning, I was just sooo out of it… sorry peejay. but your class is still as good as ever

… the kind wherein you try to pick yourself up, but your dang self just won’t listen.

… and you just  stand by and watch yourelf and feel angry that you’d let it get to you, when you know for a fact that you’re stronger than this… you’ve been through much, MUCH worse after all.

… so why feel this way?

… what’s with the regression?

… my room is usually a reflection of my state of mind. What used to work: I clean my room and somehow my mindset follows. Now, I’ve done everything from fixing my room, organizing my cd collection, video collection, books, magazines, closet, e-mail (1000+ messages dating back to 2003! trimmed down to 100!), contact/address book… and I’m still praning.

… why only go up to 60 when the speedometer can read up to 210?

… I need an adventure.

… did i read that text message right, Ayen? Your officemates thought I was…your…your…boyfriend?!?!?!

… i was wearing a pink lace top for crying out loud! I can’t possibly get any girlier than that! Pink lace?!

… oh wait… so  now…they think we’re lesbo?!?!

… c’mon give the short hair a break! it’s growing as fast as it can!

… okaaaay that’s the last time you’re clinging onto my arm while we’re walking, that must’ve been it. what else could it have been?

…well, at least there’s progress right? at least i’m no longer getting called ’sir’

… at least now… er, well, lesbos are women anyway. at least the gender’s right this time.

… is the hair really THAT bad? Hahaha! Okay, learned my lesson, will not have it cut this short any more!

After networking 101… I don’t think I’m in the right mindset to make that list yet, Zarah and Ayen. I’m still thinking netbus and routers,broadcast storms and ipv4 and subnet masks, and I would’ve said,
“Surprise me!” ;P

I wish that…

1. England would win the world cup…but that’s impossible this year. All my favorite teams are now out of the running! Argentina, England and Brazil! I’m soooo disappointed! I didn’t even watch Pacman’s fight because I started thinking all the teams/players I root for or watch get jinxed! Lo and behold, Pacman won! Hehe. I know, non sequitur.

2. Game to match my preds! Would be great to win the upcoming tourney…would be great to get back to organized play and real tough “I’m seeing white, I can’t breathe!” training. I daresay, I miss it.

3. For my hair to grow back pronto. And for the patience not to cut it even though it looks horrible while growing it out. I got another “Anong order nyo, sir–ay, ma’am!” last week when I forgot to put on my earrings. I now avoid using treadmills that are right in front of the mirrors so I don’t have to see my “sir-ay,ma’am pala!” reflection. I’d rather do roadwork anyday.

4. For the title of that book…What book was that? The one with the girl holding the soccer ball on the cover… I think Elvis was in the title? It’s about this little girl who loves soccer…er, football, and Elvis Presley.

5. To find out that coins wasn’t…isn’t gay? And to find that youknowwho IS gay! Mwahahaha!

6. For a tin of Caramel Rooitea from my fave coffee/tea shop

7. Do they still have it? Maybe a tin of Chai tea instead

8. Zips! Orage or lime green or aqua ones! So it’ll feel like summer all over again…

9. For someone to find my lost paintings… the nice ones. The ones that got lost in the org tambayan back in college. I stopped painting after that - I tried to recreate them but they weren’t the same, they didn’t carry the emotions and thoughts I had back then…that made all the difference. I really mourned the loss of those.

10. To get a subtitled copy of Jeux d’Enfants. It translates to Children’s Games but it was released here as Love Me if You Dare. I’ve been trying to find a copy for over a year now… to no avail.

11. Hmm… Kiss Kiss Bang Bang was also nice. And Vuxna Manniskor, too. Oh and Kurosawa’s Seven Samurai.

12. I’m obviously making this up as I go along…hahaha. Teach me how to flip like Klose!

13. To do an ATW trick successfully

14. To get the ‘challenge’ out of my system. I mean really now, what was I thinking?! No, wait, what AM I thinking… would be more appropriate. Geez. Stuck in a Petrarchan slump… well, at least not a Petrarchan Sapphist slump…that would be lots worse.

15. Paulo Coelho’s The Warrior of Light or this little compilation of quotes from all this books…

16. To ride Big Honey (err, “Bighani”) or Blue Diamond again

17. Something hand-made? Something drawn? Something cut or pasted? Something with a lot of love and good intentions…something abstract…something… heck, I obviously don’t really know what I want.

18. Those cheap plastic balloon tubes?

19. Sunflowers?

20. I don’t know!!!

21. Errrm….

23. An e-mail from coins? Telling me he’s not gay, that he needs an apprentice, that he suddenly plays pro football, and that he realizes I’m the love of his life and can’t wait to see me? Hahaha! Even a simple hello would keep me beaming for
months, actually.

24. Something sunny…

25. No rain later on in the month would be great

26. a hula hoop?

27. Discipline

28. Discipline

29. Willpower.

30. Willpower.

31. MORE willpower.

32. Yeah, I need a lot of it. Willpower. Keep it comin’

33. A team CAM adventure.

34. Balance.

35. Bliss.

36. Any adventure.

37. Color. Orange. Lime. Aqua. Yellow. Brightness. Warmth.

38. A swing ride.

39. A jungle gym to swing upside down from

40. A tree to climb

41. Corny jokes and more of Zams and Patty’s footbolero pick-up lines “Are you a left wing? I’m a right wing…and together, we can fly!” Hahaha!

42. A call

43. Closure

44. A smile… lots of smiles

45. Laughter

46. Bailey’s

47. An easy way home everytime I stay out late. Hahaha!

48. To see you guys at least every month, as we had orignally planned.

49. When will we go to the beach? Geez, kahit Tagaytay! Zarah?!?! Ayen??!?!? We haven’t had our out-of-town adventure yet!

50. For our condo plans to push through *ahem*

Sometimes Friendster horoscopes are soooo right on the money. It’s disturbing. Well, either that or I’m just way to bored (even though I actually have a gazillion things to do).

Bull’s eye! By the way… I’m telling my boss *this afternoon* that I’ll only be working up to tomorrow… payday. I wonder how he’s going to take it? I really intend to give him a piece of my mind… and since I’m feeling slightly cranky (haven’t slept in several days but as long as no one pisses me off I’m still all smiles)… I think I’ll be able to pull it off even if he starts yelling at me. (Read: I couldn’t care less)

Well, that matter aside, I can’t help but be happy. World Cup is finally here, the fever rages within me and my friends…and everything is right with the world. Nothing bad can happen. All is good. I keep repeating this to myself when I get stressed out… so that I hold my tongue. But not todaaaaaay! Hahahaha! I will speak up and stand up for myself (and the rest of the people here). Hopefully. Wish me luck.

Heeheehee. Well, at least I’ll get a little money that should last me through the World Cup. I have to get my gimmick funds together…going to bars every night to catch the games is going to burn a hole in my pocket….

Some friends I haven’t heard from in a while have been asking me why I’m still single, trying to probe, trying to analyze "what’s wrong with me" and my "taste". Well, I’m just happy with how things are, is there anything wrong with that? I mean, who needs a boyfriend when you can just grab a chocolate bar and be just as happy? Who needs a boyfriend when you’re surrounded by your best friends? A boyfriend would be like… a friend with benefits, so to speak… and I don’t really need benefits like that anyway.
    
   
   
Erm… well, all those…. and for some reason, the guys I crush on tend to turn out gay - hey, they’re intelligent, creative, they speak well (I’m a sucker for guys with excellent grammar, a wide vocabulary and a great speaking voice to match…so shoot me), are always well-groomed, have great fashion sense…. plus they won’t hit on your friends (oh wait, I have more guy friends… maybe there is a slight danger there harhar).
   
   
Yeah, okay, so it’s partly "taste" ;P but I find that crushing on guys you know you can’t have is  a lot safer… you’re happy just to see ‘em, and you don’t have to expect anything more. You form this perfect image of them in your head, and are able to keep it that way.  I’d never try to get to know them, let alone talk to any of them because I’m sure I’d just be disappointed when I find out what they’re really like, right?

Dan tells me I shouldn’t be so friendly so I don’t attract assholes and other guys I wouldn’t be caught dead with (yet another glorious reason to stay single). Dan says I can avoid them by being more aloof and poised. If only guys could just take subtle hints (we do give subtle hints you know… but sometimes guys are so full of themselves that it you’d have to throw a brick at them before they get your drift) things would be so much easier.
   

Then again, this applies to us girls too… That got me thinking
   
   
In lieu of this… I dug up something I got in my e-mail a little while back.

THIS IS WHAT IT SHOULD LOOK LIKE, by Greg B.

One night I was drinking in a bar and flirting
with the bartender. I asked for her number. She said, "I don’t give out
my phone number because guys rarely call me when they say they’re going
to. My name is Lindsey Adams, and if you want to call me, find my phone
number." Which I did — the very next day. Do you know how many Lindsey
Adams there are in the phone book of a major city? Let’s just say I
talked to about eight or nine before I found mine.

1. An excuse is a polite rejection. Men are not afraid of "ruining the friendship."

2. Don’t get tricked into asking him out. If he likes you, he’ll do the asking.

3. If you can find him, then he can find you. If he wants to find you, he will.

4. Just because you like to lead doesn’t mean he wants to dance. Some traditions are born of nature and last through time for a reason.

5. Men don’t forget how much they like you. So put down the phone.

6. He’s just not into you if he’s not calling you. Men know how to use the phone.

7. You are good enough to be asked out.

8. Busy is another word for "asshole" Asshole is another word for they guy you’re dating

9. He’s got the ultimate situation: a great friend with all the benefits of a girlfriend, whom he can see or not see whenever he wants to. He may be one of your closest friends, but I’m sorry to say, as a boyfriend, he’s not into you.

10. If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn’t want you, nothing can make him stay.

11. Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.

12. Stop trying to change yourselves for a relationship that’s not meant to be.

13. Don’t stay because you think "it will get better." You’ll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.

14. You cannot change a man’s behavior. Change comes from within.

15. Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.

Greg B. is one of the authors of "He’s Just Not
That Into You" - a little self-help book to help a woman decipher if a
guy likes her or not. Do we really need this? The rules of male
behavior seem simple enough. If anyone needs a self-help book,
I’d say the men need it to decode us women, dontchathink? Hahaha!

Now, if we women were to compile "SHE’S Just Not That Into YOU" pointers… what would we put in it? Would we all agree on the tell-tale signs?  I have a feeling we wouldn’t… There’s bound to be a contradiction for each…

 
   
Something like…

1. She’s not that into you if she turns you down when you first ask her out

 
… but then again, she could be into you if she turns you down at first - she’s playing hard to get, as "The Rules"  tell her to do…but don’t be fooled, this is a ploy to get you to chase after her because she really likes you!
   
… but then again, she could be the straightforward type, in which case no really does mean NO.

   
 
2. She’s not into you if she doesn’t dress up for you.

 
… but then again, women dress up to gain the approval of other women, not men, right?
 
… but then again, if a girl likes a guy, she’ll want to look stunning
 
… but then again, if she can dress comfortably around you (no achey high heels and tiis-ganda little numbers), it means you’ve got a pretty good chance
 
… but then again… hay, this could go on forever!

   
3. She’s not that into you if she doesn’t introduce you to her family.
 
… but then again, maybe she’s still building you up?
 
… but then again, maybe she really likes you… but has a feeling they won’t approve…and is simply taking matters into her own hands?
         
   
We’re full of contradictions and operate on a case to case basis, don’t we?  What would you put? How do you show a guy you’re just not that into him?
 
   
   
Any thoughts? Hehehehe, let’s have some fun!
   
   
It’s great…being so diverse, isn’t it? Let’s revel in our
differences… and celebrate the fact that men go nuts just trying to understand what makes us tick. Hahaha!

Here’s what I believe: Once you find your WHY, you can overcome any HOW. Getting what you want then boils down to a fragment of WHEN.

I have my reasons, and I’m currently struggling to overcome my hurdles… so now… I’m just waiting for the right time I guess…when everything finally pays off.

I signed up for a Freestyle Football competition the past weekend - and as it turned out, I was the only female in the bunch. Part of me wanted to bolt after seeing how good everyone else was. I mean, these boys had been kicking footballs since they could walk! And me? Heck, I couldn’t even juggle with my feet until three months ago! How’s that for sucky?
   

I guess I’m just not used to competing when I know I don’t have a rat’s ass of a chance! Harhar! It’s a good thing Leo (thanks, dude!) reminded me of my WHY - I just love football. I’d do anything for it - I even resigned from a job because it would’ve made me give up the one day a week that I get to play! Incredibly passionate or incredibly stupid? I don’t really care.
   

And as for the HOW…well, so what if I lacked the experience? I had to gain experience somehow, and since the sport came into my life quite late - I’ve lost enough time as it is! Hence, it came down to a now or never decision. My head was screaming now! Now! Now! But my nerves were another story. They were bent on a big fat NEVER - I was shaking so much! I had never felt my feet and legs shake before. You’d think after being comfortable singing on stage, you can kiss your stage fright good-bye. But noooo, I could feel my feet quivering while I tried juggling!
 
 

Last hurdle? What could I possibly do that they couldn’t, or didn’t think of doing at least?! I couldn’t think of anything that would make my basic moves even a tad bit entertaining. And then, just one minute before going on stage, it came to me - I remembered most boys have trouble with splits. I myself never could do the darn thing as a kid… I just learned it this year! I did a split while in a neckstall - amazingly, I pulled it off even though I hadn’t practiced it before then. To my horror, Leo dubbed it the "Mystica move" - Eeeeewwwww! Never thought of it that way!
 

And as for the ‘when’… I don’t know how or why, but I qualified for the finals! I was sooooo shocked! Eager to learn some new tricks, I was up most of the night (and morning) practicing. When I woke up finals day, I had a fever. Murphy just loves picking on me, doesn’t he?
 

I didn’t win anything, but I’m still psyched! Everything went almost too well for me. I learned to balance the ball on my head, roll it down to kiss it, then roll it back up - two hours before the finals - and I pulled it off when it was my turn! My rainbow had an arc and went the right way, and I was able to do two splits while in neckstall - dunno what they’re called, but did one with my legs spread apart sideways, and one with one leg stretched in front of me. I think I heard some people go "Whooah!" as I was executing it, and that sooo made my day. Weeeeeeee! How’s that for lucky?!
 

So here’s to spontaniety!
 

Here’s to trying anything and everything!
 

Here’s to choosing fight instead of flight every time - glad to know I’m keeping my New Year’s resolution for the second year in a row
 

And of course, here’s to football! I love it sooo much, and someday, I just know it’ll love me back. Hahaha! Practice! Practice!

———————–

"Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far they can go." - T.S. Eliot

Have you ever wanted something with your whole being? Have you ever wanted something so badly it fills your breath, your blood, the wake of your movement?

***Heheh. I love football! Hehehe. ***

My concept of fate can be likened to taking public transportation…say, the bus.

It’s like this: you know where you’re going, but oftentimes, the bus route will not pass directly in front of your destination. It takes the main roads, and you have to be the one to find the alley that brings you home. If you have my horrible sense of direction, this will take a looong time.

Buses can only take you so far. Kind of like fate and good luck…the most it can do is move you closer to your dreams, your aspirations - to your bus stop.

I believe that although fate can lead you to that crucial point, that moment that can change your life forever - its participation stops there. It drops you off at the point of no return, and leaves the rest up to you. The make or break is all you. You have to work the rest of the way. You have to prove that you deserve that big break.

Have I worked hard enough? I think so, but who knows what’s out there, right? Heck, I work hard, but I don’t exactly know what for…YET.

Do I want to find it, to discover it? Do I want it with all my being?

Yes.

But at this point, I think I’m still sleeping. I still want to snooze, dream more. So that when I wake up, I’ll have a full tank of dreams, and I’ll have my work cut out for me.

Am I making sense?

Dunno. I just wanted to put something here since I haven’t posted anything in a loooong time.

Sometimes, all you gotta do is jump in… and worry later.

Labay Cup. UP Los Baños.  A very muddy field. Rain. More rain. MORE rain.

Fourteen players battling it out in the mud for fifteen minutes. Six games.

The result? Footballers morphing into muddy swamp things worthy of horror flick glory.

And this happened after EVERY game.

All of us were soaked to the bone with rain, mud and possibly the occasional animal poop (well, we did kinda stink…though I hope it was NOT poop) from all that sliding. Even our hair had a LOT mud clumped in it. Lauro, Raze and I decided to let our teammates freshen up first while we kept an eye on things and took down the tent.

When it was finally our turn to "shower" at the knee-high faucet everyone else had used (not even inside a bathroom), it was already dark - and there were no lights. We had to use a celfone light to look for our things. Muddy, itchy and eager to slip into dry clothes, undie-clad Raze and I started washing away…until it happened.

Disaster.

Thinking that everyone had finished washing up, the maintennance people cut off the water supply! We hadn’t even begun rinsing off the shampoo and soap! Raze and I screamed and begged for someone to turn the water back on.

One minute…

Two minutes….

Three…

Four…

Five…

Sh*t. They’re NOT putting the water back on, are they?!

Desperate to rinse the mud, shampoo and soap off with SOMETHING, we made a beeline for the next best thing: the outdoor lap pool. It wasn’t that far away, and heck, it was dark.

Now for the guts to run out. Just think you’re wearing a bikini. Muddy, soapy bikini. Ewww. Just think bath, that was more than enough!

One at a time, tip-toeing at first, then making a mad dash for the pool and finally jumping in. That was the plan. That was what happened.

Someone must’ve heard the splash, since I had to duck when (what seemed to be) a flashlight beam passed over the pool. Whew. When the coast was clear, I ran back.

Turns out Raze and I had the "best" baths. The rest didn’t really get the chance to take a bath - and here we were thinking we couldn’t possibly sit in their cars with them all clean and us, muddy as hell.

… oh and by the way, we managed to get the silver medal(s) =) Not bad for a team that plays for fun! Love you guys! For football or worse!

Wow! Who would’ve thought?! Thank you Lord for a miracle right when I needed it! =D

My childhood treasures…my collection of "My Little Ponies" which (I thought) was lost for oh so many years…

… was recently found! In an bright orange duffel bag marked with an "M".

Yep, an "M"…. As in McDonald’s! All my ponies were jammed into this small McDo freebie. I was overjoyed to see them (I cried! Hahaha). Matted hair, dirt & grime, rust & oil (from the ones that had wind-up features), missing accessories and all. A lot of them are missing (I know I had over 80, but when I counted the contents of the bag, it didn’t even reach 40), but the important ones are there. My first (Sweet Stuff), and my last (forgot her name uh-oh!).

I find it amazing - how a child can think things up and believe them in an instant. I miss that about being a child. The magic of believing — blindly. Nowadays, people are just soooo jaded… too jaded. When I was a child, I sincerely believed my ponies were alive.  I remember I’d put them in the Barbie dollhouse, clothe them, and I even made sure a window was open whenever I’d leave so they could breathe.

The funny thing? Barbie and Ken were the househelps for all 80 ponies. Sure, they were short-staffed for a time… but whenever someone gave me a new Barbie or Ken doll…heheheh. Well, let’s say  help had arrived! Eventually, there were three Barbies and two Kens to do my ponies’ bidding.  All 80 ponies, whose names I knew by heart. Back then, anyway. I still remember some of their names though.

   —————————————–

   
Whenever I need to make an important decision nowadays, I ask myself a lot of questions - the typical pros and cons. But what really wins my vote? The kid factor. I picture a ten year-old me for this… If the 10 year-old me got to know the present me… If I told her my decision regarding the matter… Would she approve? Would she be proud of what I was about to do? Would she like how I turned out?

   
As a child, I was always bent on doing the right thing, even though it cost me dearly (in grade school, you lose friends if you don’t get mad at the person everyone else is mad at… for no fathomable reason…you know the drill). As a child, I had a vivid imagination. As a child, I believed in others and most importantly, I believed in myself.

   
Where is all that now? Have I been sucked into being another jaded addition to the statistic? I really hope not.

Well… I’ve kept my fascination for horses this long so I doubt I’d be a disappointment

What to do when you’re caught in the middle?

Yeah, sure I like sports. Call me sporty if you will. I’d
like to think I am anyway. I love sports more than the average woman, but I’m
nothing compared to the die-hard elite athletes. Another thing is, I don’t look
sporty enough to actually find a job related to sports (like instructor or
sports show host or something). Okay, if I work on it, maybe I can in a few
years. I wish there was something sports-related I could go for as a job right
now though.

I’m reminded of the lead actress (Nia Valdaros) in My Big
Fat Greek Wedding. According to her, she was too fat to be given one of the
“pretty lead actress” roles, and not fat enough for the obese roles.

I had a Nia moment sometime ago, while shopping for work
clothes with my mom. Not wanting to shell out much for slacks (can you just
picture me in work clothes?!), I headed for the sale aisles. Here’s my
question: why do dirt cheap slacks in tiangges and sale piles ALWAYS come in
teeny tiny hopelessly small sizes?! Are all Filipinas/Asians really that
starved? Geez! Where are the healthy I-eat-three-meals-a-day woman sizes? All I
saw were Karen Carpenter ones.

I scooted over to the more expensive section (the branded
ones). It was hard to accept that the largest size in the sale aisle was pretty
tight, but hey, I had to accept it. No choice there. Given that size dilemma, I
figured I’d check out the larger sizes. Found my way to the PLUS sizes. Tried
on the SMALLEST size. Sigh. Too big for me. What is going on?!

 
What to do when you’re caught in the middle? When you’re
frame is too big for the average petite Asian sizes, but too small for the Plus
sizes.

(I found normal person sizes, finally. Brand name, duh.
Expensive, no duh. Sheesh.)

What to feel when you’re caught in the middle?

I’ve tried out many things, but never really bothered
sticking to one. Jack of all trades, master of none. Every time I felt I could
do something well enough, I stopped and moved on to the next thing. This
happened with everything from singing to art. Now, I’m not good enough in any
of those things to use them for work. What do you do when you know more than
the basics, but lack the refinement of experience?

How do you get out when you’re caught in the middle?